All Classed Up

Following the advice of the prenatal coordinator, we signed up for the seven week childbirth education course. Naively, we thought perhaps it would teach us some techniques that would be useful for those few fateful hours during childbirth, as well as perhaps some exercises which might be useful in preparation.

So far, it's been a fairly obvious and at times either gruesome or pornographic anatomy lesson with faded handouts giving us tiresome advice about what we should/could feel like in the first, second, and third trimester, mixed in with some fairly stereotypical or even downright sexist remarks, spread liberally about the gender spectrum (From the firmly debunked "pregnancy brain" comment to my personal favorite: "All guys think alike." Yes, every woman in the class is accompanied by a male partner.)

In short I haven't learned anything I haven't already learned by reading a book, and the rest of the time I've either been grossed out or annoyed. Each class is two hours long, is held on Wednesday's at 6:30, and invariably goes over the time limit, with the result that I leave my house at seven in the morning and don't return until quarter to ten. Aren't pregnant women supposed to get lots of sleep and lots of exercise? Exactly when am I supposed to practice the hastily taught exercises squeezed in at the end of the class? What good was this class supposed to be again?

They say that in the third trimester you begin to get bored with being pregnant, can't wait to get it over with, and that the last month or so before the happy date can seem eternally long. I was already bored with being pregnant 7 months ago, and have been biding my time ever since, but this class is definitely making me want to get the rest of this over with. I'm not sure I can bear another 5 weeks of dreamy-eyed, un-informed nonsense.

I keep going because I keep hoping they'll tell us something useful. You never know, something might slip out.

Buying for Baby

Today I was paid a backhanded compliment by a co-worker who told me that I didn't walk like a pregnant woman.

Thanks, I didn't say, and may I just say that you don't walk like a chicken?

Unlike alot of first time parents we have not yet really gotten into buying things for our newborn. We know, for instance, that Stanley will need some type of surface to sleep on, but we were unprepared for the overwhelming choices of furniture presented to us by this simple need. There's cradles, bassinets and cribs, not to mention pack and plays and play pens. When it comes to cribs you can get a convertible crib which will break down into a daybed later, or if you get really fancy you can eventually convert it into a full double bed (from birth to marriage, is perhaps the point?) For entertainment there are bouncers, swingers and walkers, the practical difference being completely lost on us other than the obvious, that bouncers bounce and swingers swing. Perhaps the most perplexing part for me is the startling variety of outfits with which to clothe your little miracle, for the 48 hours it takes them to grow out of said outfit, anyway. Is this stuff really for the baby, or for the parents?

My ultimate favorite though, is this product. How cruel we've all been lo these millions of years, to use unheated diaper wipes on our children. Imagine the psychological damage wrought on all of us. No wonder society is at such a perilous crossroads. Thank god someone has finally put a stop to the insanity.