Pump it Up

Consider this scenario: you are the Vice President of a small financial company, and are a Very Important Person, at least when you walk the corporate halls. People defer to you constantly. Oh! You want the projector? Sure, take it. My presentation is unimportant. Oh! You want to schedule a meeting at 7:30 in the morning before anyone even gets here? Sure! I'll just come in early.

One day you are in need of a particular person's assistance. She's quite a capable employee even though she recently had a child and was out for eight weeks on disability leave. You really need her assistance right now, and you're sure, like everyone else in the company, that she'll jump to your beck and call. So you go to her office to enlist her help and find a closed door with a sign on it: Please Do Not Disturb.

Do you:
a) Decide not to disturb the person?
b) Knock on the door?
or
c) Knock on the door and then open it quickly before she has a chance to respond?


.....or to cover her exposed upper body which she has been trying to find the time to empty of breastmilk for over two hours because everyone needs her right now?

As of now I may be the only person in the company who now has a Vice President tiptoeing around me.

I have, in the meantime, discovered why many women choose to nurse their infants for well over two years. It's not really because they believe it is good for their children or because they can't bear to part with the closeness. It's because when you're nursing, you can eat whatever the hell you want.

My pre-nursing diet usually consisted of:

Breakfast: a bowl of cereal and a cup of coffee
Lunch: salad or sandwich
Dinner: half of my entree and half of my salad.

My current diet goes like this:
Breakfast: two bowls of cereal, some yogurt, and two pieces of fruit
Lunch: 4 hard boiled eggs and half a sandwich plus some carrots or anything I can get my hands on
Dinner: All of whatever is on my plate and in my salad bowl and maybe seconds and what's for dessert?

Meanwhile, and here's the really freaky part, I continue to lose weight.

Now there's a weight loss program for you. And since it's typically women who worry about their weight so much at the same time wishing they could eat like their husbands do, I think it's time for a new fad: Lactation Dieting.

All you need is some hormones to get those juices flowing, a breast pump, and a nursing bra. Then you really can have your cake and eat it too.

Dangerous Knowledge

As new parents we excitedly await every new milestone there is. For instance Sydney learned a few months ago that a smile will get her everywhere. And it does, because it is heartbreakingly cute. We're hoping she doesn't really know that this smile will manipulate us, but we have our suspicions.

Recently she has learned to roll over onto her belly, which causes all sorts of problems. For one thing she hasn't figured out how to roll back over onto her back, so when she's done with being on her belly (usually about five seconds after getting there) she lets us know about it loudly. Immediately upon being rolled over she will try her new trick again. For another, all the new and improved parenting books tell you to put your baby to sleep on her back. Which we do. But apparently she likes sleeping on her belly and will roll over to a more comfortable position as soon as we're out of sight. The parenting books don't say anything about this. Do we roll her over? Or do we decide since she put herself that way it's okay?

We've also discovered that she will bring whatever is in her hands to her mouth. This evolutionary trait must be needed in order to learn what is good to eat and what is not, or possibly just to drive parents insane. Mostly there's nothing in arm's reach to swallow, except mom's hair, which has been falling out in droves (another neat pregnancy trick). Do babies get hairballs?

Possibly the most dangerous trait she has learned is her fascination with sparkly, twirly things. We recently went to a craftsman's fair, and besides our discovery that fairs are Baby Central (more babies than adults, I swear) we noticed that Sydney was absolutely riveted on certain items that we passed. Naturally it followed that she had to have the item. Pretty soon we were lugging around shiny, sparkly, twirly things that we never would have picked up on our own. They say children are expensive. Now I know why.