The highlight of our last appointment--aside from the fact that, when asked to give a urine sample, I nodded distractedly, did my business and flushed the toilet, then belatedly remembered I was supposed to pee in a cup, thereby cheating my benefactors of the 9th or 10th urine sample they believe they need, not to mention the intensly gross, high-sugared drink they forced on me as a way of seeing whether I had gestational diabetes--was the aforementioned prenatal coordinator visit.
The staff is sincere enough, and the woman patiently explained all the classes we might take; "I highly recommend this 7 week course. It's designed for people who are having their first child, or people who've had children without the benefit of childbirth classes."
"Can you imagine," I said to my husband sarcastically, later when we were finally left alone, "People actually manage to give birth without taking a class?"
We were also sent home with tons of promotional material, which the prenatal coordinator carefully pulled out of the packet she had prepared and showed to us, ending the demonstration with a flyer on the kinds of birth control there were available.
"Birth control?" I said, "Now you tell me."
The material itself is well-intentioned, but clearly not intended for people such as myself. A pamphlet labeled "Questions Dads have about breastfeeding" labeled one of the benefits of breastfed babies as "mom will take fewer days off from work due to baby's illness."
"Mom will, eh? What about dad?" I grumbled.
The pinnacle of all the information was a pamphlet on Post-Partum Depression, which helpfully told me to seek the help of a psychotherapist and then, so I could be understood when I called to seek the help of the psychotherapist, told me how to pronounce the profession (sahy-koh-ther-uh-pee).
But clearly I can't take my hard-won sarcastic self out on the gentle souls of the baby profession, so even though I need to fill out a form outlining my pre/during/and post birth choices, I will refrain from answering these specific questions in this way:
Q: (Circle your preferences) Here are some common choices for labor: Wear own gown, tee-shirt Wear hospital gown Lights bright Lights dimmed Birthing ball Other: (write in)
A: I would like to wear my leather maternity bondage ensemble and would like to have the room plunged completely in darkness so I can perform my nightly satanic ritual in peace.
Q: Do you have any preferences for birthing positions?
A: I think that our belief in gravity is over-rated and therefore I would like to be strung feet first from the ceiling. I feel that our obsession with birthing children "down there" is a patriarchal misogynistic anachronism and think women should be able to give birth through any opening they'd like, including their mouths. Mine will be the very first esophagal birth.
Q: How do you plan to feed your baby?
A: Intravenously.
Q: Do you have any special concerns or requests regarding your baby's care while in the hospital?
A: Please don't paint the baby blue.
Q: What are your feelings about circumcision?
A: I think circumcision is great. In fact, why stop there? Eunuchs have made great contributions to history, and it's time to bring them back.
Q: How long do you plan to stay in the hospital after the birth?
A: Oh, three months to a year, maybe more. Please forward my mail.
Q: We offer home visits. How do you feel about this?
A: I have a gun. How do you feel about that?
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