Having had to wear pseudo-fashionable, completely unwearable pieces of cloth which passed for maternity wear for the past 7 or so months, and being warned by various jaded sources (such as one extremely negative nurse who informed me, out of the the blue, that she personally was in her maternity wear for 7 months after she was pregnant and that the majority of women never return to their pre-pregnant weight and implying that one shouldn't even try) that I'd be wearing the damn things for a little while longer yet, I am pleased to report that yesterday, being fed up with the maternity jeans which never fit properly to begin with and now were threatening to fall completely off my body, I pulled out a pair of my old jeans, slipped them on, and zipped them up.
Ahhhh. That's better.
Other small pleasures:
Being able not only to see one's toes, but to be able to bend over and touch them.
Being able to tie one's own shoes.
Being able to take a very hot, almost scalding, bath. No more lukewarm body temperature bath waters for me.
Having a glass of wine.
Going for a walk and not feeling like you are on Jupiter. In fact, you feel so light you might even be on the moon.
and last but not least:
No one asks you: When are you due?
Though sometimes they might say, Sorry to intrude but it appears you're leaking.
Oh well. Can't have everything.
Sunday, May 06, 2007
Tuesday, May 01, 2007
Aftermath
Then we brought her home.
"They" tell you this will be the hard part, that you won't sleep, that everything will take longer, et cetera, et cetera, but they can't really tell you how it is. This is one of the great mysteries of life which you just don't know about until you're in it, laying siege. There's a great number of mysteries here to contemplate, perhaps at 3 am in the morning when all good babies should be asleep but clearly aren't, not the least of which are:
1) Why aren't you asleep?
Are you part werewolf, perhaps? What is so bad right at this moment that wasn't so bad while the sun was shining? And why are you so angelic when we have company? Should we start having people over all the time just so we can get some rest? Maybe you are trying to get your hermit parents to live a little. That's generous of you.
2) Why do we find the word poopy suddenly so endearing?
You'd think that changing a diaper would be a horrid nasty task but, given that in order to know that our child is not being starved to death we have to record at least 3 dirty diapers in a 24 hour period, each diaper inspection is like opening a tiny smelly present. When the desired result is encountered a joyous cry arises from the nursery: "All right! Poopy!" And all is well in the household.
3) Why can't I remember any nursery songs except Rock-a-Bye Baby?
Which is just a really negative song to sing to a baby, threatening to put them in a tree for one thing, and insinuating that tree will not hold them for very long. Plus I can never remember when the bough is supposed to break. Before the baby is in the tree? After baby falls? Anyway, we've made do instead with songs like "The Sydney is Sleepy Song" (not always a hit) or the "Chewin' on the Sydney Hands" (aka Sydney is Hungry) song, which are sung off key and sometimes with different tunes altogether, depending on the time of day.
4) Why is our phone number suddenly the most popular thing to dial?
I was never much of a phone person, but now I loathe the thing. Fortunately we have caller id, so if it is someone we don't really need to talk to, we can just let the answering machine get it. Unfortunately, these particular people often get miffed that we didn't call them back right away, even though they are distant acquaintances who are lucky to get a birth announcement, let alone a phone call. One guy has called so many times that my husband jokingly asked me if I was sure the baby was his.
Aside from these mysteries, much of the day has become predictable; feed, sleep, diaper, cry, cry cry, sleep, feed cry. Sometimes we manage to get out of the house for a whole twenty minutes to enjoy the spring air. We hear it's not always like this, so we're waiting, as patiently as we can, for the phase to pass into something more spaced out, calm, and manageable. Eventually we'll have to face the real world again, and it would be nice if the real world didn't seem so surreal in the meantime.
"They" tell you this will be the hard part, that you won't sleep, that everything will take longer, et cetera, et cetera, but they can't really tell you how it is. This is one of the great mysteries of life which you just don't know about until you're in it, laying siege. There's a great number of mysteries here to contemplate, perhaps at 3 am in the morning when all good babies should be asleep but clearly aren't, not the least of which are:
1) Why aren't you asleep?
Are you part werewolf, perhaps? What is so bad right at this moment that wasn't so bad while the sun was shining? And why are you so angelic when we have company? Should we start having people over all the time just so we can get some rest? Maybe you are trying to get your hermit parents to live a little. That's generous of you.
2) Why do we find the word poopy suddenly so endearing?
You'd think that changing a diaper would be a horrid nasty task but, given that in order to know that our child is not being starved to death we have to record at least 3 dirty diapers in a 24 hour period, each diaper inspection is like opening a tiny smelly present. When the desired result is encountered a joyous cry arises from the nursery: "All right! Poopy!" And all is well in the household.
3) Why can't I remember any nursery songs except Rock-a-Bye Baby?
Which is just a really negative song to sing to a baby, threatening to put them in a tree for one thing, and insinuating that tree will not hold them for very long. Plus I can never remember when the bough is supposed to break. Before the baby is in the tree? After baby falls? Anyway, we've made do instead with songs like "The Sydney is Sleepy Song" (not always a hit) or the "Chewin' on the Sydney Hands" (aka Sydney is Hungry) song, which are sung off key and sometimes with different tunes altogether, depending on the time of day.
4) Why is our phone number suddenly the most popular thing to dial?
I was never much of a phone person, but now I loathe the thing. Fortunately we have caller id, so if it is someone we don't really need to talk to, we can just let the answering machine get it. Unfortunately, these particular people often get miffed that we didn't call them back right away, even though they are distant acquaintances who are lucky to get a birth announcement, let alone a phone call. One guy has called so many times that my husband jokingly asked me if I was sure the baby was his.
Aside from these mysteries, much of the day has become predictable; feed, sleep, diaper, cry, cry cry, sleep, feed cry. Sometimes we manage to get out of the house for a whole twenty minutes to enjoy the spring air. We hear it's not always like this, so we're waiting, as patiently as we can, for the phase to pass into something more spaced out, calm, and manageable. Eventually we'll have to face the real world again, and it would be nice if the real world didn't seem so surreal in the meantime.
Wednesday, April 25, 2007
Recap
It was a dark and stormy night.
The last of New England's late coming winter was spitting out snow all during the day and I finally concluded I'd have to plow. "Just in case," I told my husband, who, perhaps himself feeling some kind of pending anxiety, was busy clearing up the nursery. So I went out to plow our driveway, nine months pregnant, on our John Deere tractor. Talk about a bumpy ride.
It wasn't until 10pm, when the snow had turned to a sleeting rain, that things started happening.
"Is this it? Do you think?"
"Let's time them."
"On what?" Neither of us wear a watch. This is one of those things you're supposed to keep handy at just this precise moment but they haven't quite caught up with the digital age yet; who the hell has watches with second hands any more? After some scrambling I remembered that the iPod had a stopwatch feature. I doubt Apple had this particular use in mind when designing the extra features of their mp3 player.
Sure enough, the contractions were coming at regular intervals, about 8 minutes apart. We called the hospital.
"Take a bath, wait until they're 4 minutes apart, and call us back." The nurses at the hospital didn't think it was true labor, and I didn't either. After all, I'm supposed to just know, right?
Two hours later, after a long bath and increasingly regular contractions, we headed out in the storm. The normally 40 minute trip took us an hour and half. We were admitted through the emergency entrance, ushered to maternity, where the nurse proclaimed me truly in labor at 3 centimeters dilated.
See? From nothing to 3 in 4 hours? This'll be easy!
Or, maybe not.
We paced the halls of the hospital all night, as walking was more comfortable then sitting still. The morning came and went and someone fed my husband. Then midday came and went and another meal was served. Things were progressing but I was fading; I wasn't hungry but I hadn't eaten anything since the day before. Mostly I was just tired. The midwife suggested a morphine mix drug to dull the contractions and let me sleep.
"Okay," I said, at that point willing to try any new approach. For one thing, the halls were getting very familiar and for another I was beginning to alarm people when they heard me moaning. So I spent the next few hours in a beautiful drug induced sleep, unmoved by the contractions which, supposedly, were still occurring and still progressing me along. Which they did, nicely, now I was at 7 centimeters. But I forgot something: morphine kicks my ass.
Dinner arrived and my husband convinced me to eat something. I did, munching gamely on tuna and sipping on beef barley soup, but soon after it all came up again. A few minutes later I innocently sipped apple juice and couldn't keep that down either. I broke down and asked to have the intrathecal, thinking that the really hard part of labor was going to start any moment now and I had nothing in reserve. I just needed a few more props to help me through.
Maybe I should have halted this process when the first attempt at an IV failed. Or maybe I should have halted it when the second attempt also failed. But I didn't, and for another four hours was pain free. But also, alarmingly, sometimes, contraction free.
"Uh oh." We started pacing the halls again in an effort to get things going. Finally everything came back, stronger than before. It was midnight on Tuesday, and I was still at 7 centimeters.
The obstetrician suggested pitocin (for inducing) mixed with a drug called Newbane which supposedly would take the edge off. I nodded, forgetting again: morphine kicks my ass.
Now I was falling asleep between contractions. There's probably a secret CIA manual on just this kind of special torture; let your victim fall completely, deeply asleep for about two minutes, and then give him severe stomach cramps. I'm pretty sure the victim would tell you anything, because about an hour later I finally called uncle and asked to have what was likely inevitable anyway; a c-section.
Things moved quickly after that, although not fast enough to my taste, as now I was enduring what were, pretty much, completely useless contractions, I was falling asleep where I stood, and my husband, who had been pretty stoic through the whole thing, was suddenly panicking about major abdominal surgery. At one point he decided he wasn't going in to the delivery room with me. The doctor and nurses persuaded him back from the edge, and after assurances from the doctor that I would not die on the operating table, agreed to put on the scrubs offered to him.
I didn't care; I just wanted the damn spinal.
The rest of it? Kind of a blur. I was apparently grinning widely after the spinal was administered, happy that at last something was happening, even if it wasn't the way nature intended. I remember hearing my daughter's first cry. I remember my husband leaving briefly to cut the cord and returning. I remember, paradoxically, the nurse, giving my daughter her first bath and talking to me through it, as though I would remember these instructions through a haze of anesthetic, morphine and pure exhaustion. Maybe she was just trying to keep me awake.
Finally, my daughter was placed on my chest, where she was supposed to be, and everything was well again. And the sun was about to come out for the first time in two days. Things were definitely progressing now.
The last of New England's late coming winter was spitting out snow all during the day and I finally concluded I'd have to plow. "Just in case," I told my husband, who, perhaps himself feeling some kind of pending anxiety, was busy clearing up the nursery. So I went out to plow our driveway, nine months pregnant, on our John Deere tractor. Talk about a bumpy ride.
It wasn't until 10pm, when the snow had turned to a sleeting rain, that things started happening.
"Is this it? Do you think?"
"Let's time them."
"On what?" Neither of us wear a watch. This is one of those things you're supposed to keep handy at just this precise moment but they haven't quite caught up with the digital age yet; who the hell has watches with second hands any more? After some scrambling I remembered that the iPod had a stopwatch feature. I doubt Apple had this particular use in mind when designing the extra features of their mp3 player.
Sure enough, the contractions were coming at regular intervals, about 8 minutes apart. We called the hospital.
"Take a bath, wait until they're 4 minutes apart, and call us back." The nurses at the hospital didn't think it was true labor, and I didn't either. After all, I'm supposed to just know, right?
Two hours later, after a long bath and increasingly regular contractions, we headed out in the storm. The normally 40 minute trip took us an hour and half. We were admitted through the emergency entrance, ushered to maternity, where the nurse proclaimed me truly in labor at 3 centimeters dilated.
See? From nothing to 3 in 4 hours? This'll be easy!
Or, maybe not.
We paced the halls of the hospital all night, as walking was more comfortable then sitting still. The morning came and went and someone fed my husband. Then midday came and went and another meal was served. Things were progressing but I was fading; I wasn't hungry but I hadn't eaten anything since the day before. Mostly I was just tired. The midwife suggested a morphine mix drug to dull the contractions and let me sleep.
"Okay," I said, at that point willing to try any new approach. For one thing, the halls were getting very familiar and for another I was beginning to alarm people when they heard me moaning. So I spent the next few hours in a beautiful drug induced sleep, unmoved by the contractions which, supposedly, were still occurring and still progressing me along. Which they did, nicely, now I was at 7 centimeters. But I forgot something: morphine kicks my ass.
Dinner arrived and my husband convinced me to eat something. I did, munching gamely on tuna and sipping on beef barley soup, but soon after it all came up again. A few minutes later I innocently sipped apple juice and couldn't keep that down either. I broke down and asked to have the intrathecal, thinking that the really hard part of labor was going to start any moment now and I had nothing in reserve. I just needed a few more props to help me through.
Maybe I should have halted this process when the first attempt at an IV failed. Or maybe I should have halted it when the second attempt also failed. But I didn't, and for another four hours was pain free. But also, alarmingly, sometimes, contraction free.
"Uh oh." We started pacing the halls again in an effort to get things going. Finally everything came back, stronger than before. It was midnight on Tuesday, and I was still at 7 centimeters.
The obstetrician suggested pitocin (for inducing) mixed with a drug called Newbane which supposedly would take the edge off. I nodded, forgetting again: morphine kicks my ass.
Now I was falling asleep between contractions. There's probably a secret CIA manual on just this kind of special torture; let your victim fall completely, deeply asleep for about two minutes, and then give him severe stomach cramps. I'm pretty sure the victim would tell you anything, because about an hour later I finally called uncle and asked to have what was likely inevitable anyway; a c-section.
Things moved quickly after that, although not fast enough to my taste, as now I was enduring what were, pretty much, completely useless contractions, I was falling asleep where I stood, and my husband, who had been pretty stoic through the whole thing, was suddenly panicking about major abdominal surgery. At one point he decided he wasn't going in to the delivery room with me. The doctor and nurses persuaded him back from the edge, and after assurances from the doctor that I would not die on the operating table, agreed to put on the scrubs offered to him.
I didn't care; I just wanted the damn spinal.
The rest of it? Kind of a blur. I was apparently grinning widely after the spinal was administered, happy that at last something was happening, even if it wasn't the way nature intended. I remember hearing my daughter's first cry. I remember my husband leaving briefly to cut the cord and returning. I remember, paradoxically, the nurse, giving my daughter her first bath and talking to me through it, as though I would remember these instructions through a haze of anesthetic, morphine and pure exhaustion. Maybe she was just trying to keep me awake.
Finally, my daughter was placed on my chest, where she was supposed to be, and everything was well again. And the sun was about to come out for the first time in two days. Things were definitely progressing now.
Saturday, April 21, 2007
Please Welcome....
Stanley Hilarius, nee Sydney, a girl weighing 8 pounds 2 ounces, and measuring 20.5 inches long. She was born April 17, 2007 at 2:07 am.
Tuesday, April 10, 2007
Ready...Set....no?
Okay! Today's the day! Out you go!
Oh well... I guess not. Although technically as I write this there are still six and a half hours left to today, so it's still possible if not particularly probable.
Luckily there have been millions of years of pregnancies and remedies for this very problem, so we can begin to work on those natural ways to induce labor. Which, if they don't actually do anything, will at least keep all those hormonal overdue pregnant women busy and off the streets. Here's a sampling:
Go for a bumpy ride: Great! I live in New England and it's spring time, otherwise known as Frost Heave Season. My entire commute is bumpy! All I have to do is get in the car to go anywhere and I'll be in labor in no time!
Go for a walk: Why walking will suddenly induce labor now that I'm overdue and didn't before baffles me. How do they think I transported myself for nine months? By Segway?
Eat Spicy Foods: Perhaps this one comes about in the mistaken belief that heartburn and gas are connected in any way to the reproductive system. In any case I'd have to down entire case of Tabasco sauce to notice the effect, as spicy and I have an ongoing competition to see who'll beat who. So far I've been winning this competition, and Stanley's been in on part of the ride. Me and Stanley can best any spicy food.
Have Sex: Neat! What got us into this predicament can also get us out! Of course, having sex is maybe the last thing on our minds right now. But at least it will pass the time.
Perhaps if none of these work, pure ornery Fate will have a hand in the outcome, as apparently they've started a pool at work on when I'll go. Hopefully Fate will pick a random date within this pool that is sooner rather than later, and hopefully my co-workers will have mercy on me and not pick dates too far out into the future. Because as much as this whole pregnant thing has been an adventure, it's time to disembark now.
Oh well... I guess not. Although technically as I write this there are still six and a half hours left to today, so it's still possible if not particularly probable.
Luckily there have been millions of years of pregnancies and remedies for this very problem, so we can begin to work on those natural ways to induce labor. Which, if they don't actually do anything, will at least keep all those hormonal overdue pregnant women busy and off the streets. Here's a sampling:
Go for a bumpy ride: Great! I live in New England and it's spring time, otherwise known as Frost Heave Season. My entire commute is bumpy! All I have to do is get in the car to go anywhere and I'll be in labor in no time!
Go for a walk: Why walking will suddenly induce labor now that I'm overdue and didn't before baffles me. How do they think I transported myself for nine months? By Segway?
Eat Spicy Foods: Perhaps this one comes about in the mistaken belief that heartburn and gas are connected in any way to the reproductive system. In any case I'd have to down entire case of Tabasco sauce to notice the effect, as spicy and I have an ongoing competition to see who'll beat who. So far I've been winning this competition, and Stanley's been in on part of the ride. Me and Stanley can best any spicy food.
Have Sex: Neat! What got us into this predicament can also get us out! Of course, having sex is maybe the last thing on our minds right now. But at least it will pass the time.
Perhaps if none of these work, pure ornery Fate will have a hand in the outcome, as apparently they've started a pool at work on when I'll go. Hopefully Fate will pick a random date within this pool that is sooner rather than later, and hopefully my co-workers will have mercy on me and not pick dates too far out into the future. Because as much as this whole pregnant thing has been an adventure, it's time to disembark now.
Tuesday, April 03, 2007
Asking for it
Here are the warning signs of impending labor:
You'd think the questions couldn't get any dumber, nosier or riskier but here's the new one, heard only in the last few days: So, have there been any warnings?
What they mean is, do you think you'll be going into labor any time soon?
"Well, let me see," I can imagine telling random co-workers at lunch, "Yesterday I woke up with a whopping case of diarrhea, and then all day I was having these irregular contractions, and then the mucus plug came out and I had a bloody show, and all day I felt like cleaning the entire house and rearranging the furniture, plus for a week I've been having all this vaginal discharge and major Braxton-Hicks contractions, but other than that, no, I haven't had any warning signs. Hey, you don't seem to be eating your lunch, can I have it? I'm eating for two, you know."
Or, maybe I should just keep all that in my head and answer the question as I have been, which is, "Warnings for what?" Someday they may just figure out it's none of their business, though by then it will be too late. For me, anyway.
1)Engagement: AKA the baby dropped.
2)Pelvic Pressure
3)Vaginal Discharge
4)Nesting Instinct: AKA impending mother suddenly gets the urge to clean everything in sight.
5)Braxton Hicks Contractions: AKA false labor
6)Shivering or Trembling
7)Diarrhea
8)Mucus Plug or Bloody Show
9)Rupture of Membranes: AKA the water broke
and finally...
10)Regular Contractions
You'd think the questions couldn't get any dumber, nosier or riskier but here's the new one, heard only in the last few days: So, have there been any warnings?
What they mean is, do you think you'll be going into labor any time soon?
"Well, let me see," I can imagine telling random co-workers at lunch, "Yesterday I woke up with a whopping case of diarrhea, and then all day I was having these irregular contractions, and then the mucus plug came out and I had a bloody show, and all day I felt like cleaning the entire house and rearranging the furniture, plus for a week I've been having all this vaginal discharge and major Braxton-Hicks contractions, but other than that, no, I haven't had any warning signs. Hey, you don't seem to be eating your lunch, can I have it? I'm eating for two, you know."
Or, maybe I should just keep all that in my head and answer the question as I have been, which is, "Warnings for what?" Someday they may just figure out it's none of their business, though by then it will be too late. For me, anyway.
Saturday, March 31, 2007
Countdown
I walked into a Mexican restaurant to pick up lunch and the woman behind the counter said, "Wow, still working, huh?"
I guess the entire city is waiting for the Big Day.
Which is imminent, or so I hear. The 38th week is considered term, 40 is ideal, and no one starts worrying about inducing or cesareans until week 42. It turns out that, as with almost everything else about pregnancy, calculating the "due date" isn't as scientific as you might think. It's a guess based on fairly arbitrary questions and our current 365 day in a year convention, with some ultrasounds and some tape measures liberally thrown in.
I am "due" on April 10th. I plan to work through the 13th, a fact which inevitably creates bemusement on faces. "But," they splutter, "April 13th is after April 10th!" (Maybe they feel that since all my brain cells are impaired I am unable to do simple arithmetic.) I nod at this sage observation, and quietly explain that, since I can't possibly predict the actual date, I picked an end date that was reasonable for the majority of the statistics; most first babies are late, not early, and in my family in particular there's a history of lateness. If I go early, chaos will ensue anyway. If, on the other hand, I am late, I will go stir crazy if I have nothing to do but sit at home. This seems entirely reasonable to me, but then, these are people who offer me chairs and demand I sit down (I've been sitting down all day!) or apologize when they've made me "walk all the way over here."
I've been berated for not packing my hospital bag, as well. Every expectant mother knows that you have to pack your hospital bag way in advance because, well, you just never know when you'll have to go there. Every expectant mother also knows not to rush off to the hospital at the very first sign of labor, so the question is: why can't you use all that waiting time to pack the bag for the hospital? And furthermore, this isn't a vacation.... how much stuff could I possibly need to bring with me? Yet, there are countless lists out there for the packing impaired to choose from.
So, we're waiting, we're enduring, and yes, we're still breathing, walking, talking and working. Stanley Hilarius is inevitably dropping and things are slowly coming to their hopefully happy conclusion. We'll let you know how it goes.
I guess the entire city is waiting for the Big Day.
Which is imminent, or so I hear. The 38th week is considered term, 40 is ideal, and no one starts worrying about inducing or cesareans until week 42. It turns out that, as with almost everything else about pregnancy, calculating the "due date" isn't as scientific as you might think. It's a guess based on fairly arbitrary questions and our current 365 day in a year convention, with some ultrasounds and some tape measures liberally thrown in.
I am "due" on April 10th. I plan to work through the 13th, a fact which inevitably creates bemusement on faces. "But," they splutter, "April 13th is after April 10th!" (Maybe they feel that since all my brain cells are impaired I am unable to do simple arithmetic.) I nod at this sage observation, and quietly explain that, since I can't possibly predict the actual date, I picked an end date that was reasonable for the majority of the statistics; most first babies are late, not early, and in my family in particular there's a history of lateness. If I go early, chaos will ensue anyway. If, on the other hand, I am late, I will go stir crazy if I have nothing to do but sit at home. This seems entirely reasonable to me, but then, these are people who offer me chairs and demand I sit down (I've been sitting down all day!) or apologize when they've made me "walk all the way over here."
I've been berated for not packing my hospital bag, as well. Every expectant mother knows that you have to pack your hospital bag way in advance because, well, you just never know when you'll have to go there. Every expectant mother also knows not to rush off to the hospital at the very first sign of labor, so the question is: why can't you use all that waiting time to pack the bag for the hospital? And furthermore, this isn't a vacation.... how much stuff could I possibly need to bring with me? Yet, there are countless lists out there for the packing impaired to choose from.
So, we're waiting, we're enduring, and yes, we're still breathing, walking, talking and working. Stanley Hilarius is inevitably dropping and things are slowly coming to their hopefully happy conclusion. We'll let you know how it goes.
Thursday, March 15, 2007
And the hits just keep on coming...
I'm not tired of being pregnant, per se. I'm tired of other people.
"When are you due?" is the new "Nice weather we're having." Only more nosey and less relevant. Especially when it's been asked by someone who has already asked you this question. Here's a hint, people, it hasn't changed from the last time you asked me.
Here's a good one: Put your finger directly on a pregnant woman's belly. She won't mind. After all, it's not like you're touching her... oh wait, you are. But she won't mind. Then ask this amazingly dumb question: "What's this?" And remember, she won't ever say something sarcastic like "that appears to be my stomach." And if she's rude and says something like "please don't touch me," don't take it personally. Those raging hormones make her say things like that.
If you are extremely obese, try making a pregnant woman feel good about her self-image. Say something like: gee, it looks like you're trying to imitate me! She'll find that amusing. See, she's grimacing right now.
And if you're a midwife or an obstetrician, here's a neat trick. Each time your patient comes for her now weekly visit, grab hold of the baby's nether regions through the mother's sensitive belly and give them a good shake. Everyone will enjoy that because then baby will wake up and move around indignantly. Well, mom will get a few kicks in the ribs. But she's used to that so it's okay. And that'll make her look forward to next week's visit even more!
What could be worse than nine months of stupid people? Oh, probably 18 years of stupid parenting advice. But we'll cross that bridge when we come to it.
"When are you due?" is the new "Nice weather we're having." Only more nosey and less relevant. Especially when it's been asked by someone who has already asked you this question. Here's a hint, people, it hasn't changed from the last time you asked me.
Here's a good one: Put your finger directly on a pregnant woman's belly. She won't mind. After all, it's not like you're touching her... oh wait, you are. But she won't mind. Then ask this amazingly dumb question: "What's this?" And remember, she won't ever say something sarcastic like "that appears to be my stomach." And if she's rude and says something like "please don't touch me," don't take it personally. Those raging hormones make her say things like that.
If you are extremely obese, try making a pregnant woman feel good about her self-image. Say something like: gee, it looks like you're trying to imitate me! She'll find that amusing. See, she's grimacing right now.
And if you're a midwife or an obstetrician, here's a neat trick. Each time your patient comes for her now weekly visit, grab hold of the baby's nether regions through the mother's sensitive belly and give them a good shake. Everyone will enjoy that because then baby will wake up and move around indignantly. Well, mom will get a few kicks in the ribs. But she's used to that so it's okay. And that'll make her look forward to next week's visit even more!
What could be worse than nine months of stupid people? Oh, probably 18 years of stupid parenting advice. But we'll cross that bridge when we come to it.
Wednesday, March 07, 2007
Non-Alcoholic
The whole thou-shalt-not-drink-while-pregnant line has been blown way out of proportion here in Puritan, Prohibitionist America. Case in point: while the AMA's official line on the subject is no amount of alcohol consumed while pregnant has been proven to be safe (their official line on just about everything to do with pregnancy, as they don't test drugs, recreational or otherwise, on pregnant women), the myriad pregnancy experts have taken up the call and twisted it to: even the smallest amount of alcohol could harm your baby!
Making it sound like if you accidentally swallow your mouthwash anytime during those tedious nine months, you might as well go to jail for child abuse right now. All hope is lost. Now everyone knows that pregnant women can't drink at all lest their offspring have more than one head, and so the option isn't even there. But they have no compunction about drinking around a pregnant woman. The thought in the back of everyone's head is that, as long as she's not an alcoholic, she couldn't possibly mind, right?
My husband and I love wine. The taste of it with dinner, and the romantic idea of it: a warm glass of red by the fire in winter, a chilled glass of white of a hot summer's evening. We love the idea of wine so much we make wine, lovingly squeezing fruits of their essential juices, adding yeast, and letting nature do what it does best. Our traditional New Year's celebrations include an expensive bottle of champagne, which we consume the whole of (the only time we down an entire bottle of alcohol) all the while describing its properties in admittedly layman's terms to keep for prosperity. Sometimes we even talk about our goals for the New Year.
This year, of course, all that has been curtailed. For both of us.
We were recently at a friend's house for dinner. Bypassing me, the host asked my husband if he wanted a drink of some kind. My husband shook his head. "Alas," he said, "I'm pregnant."
The host looked from me to him incredulously and blurted, "You're both not drinking together??"
Heaven forfend we agree to do something together. Like, say, get pregnant.
To me there is no other way to go about it. You're either both on board or not. There were a number such conditions I laid out before I agreed to go down this road, not the least of which was that if I couldn't drink, my husband couldn't drink. Or put another way: if you drink, I drink, and you wouldn't want to harm your unborn child like that, would you?
But I don't have to threaten my husband to make this journey into as much of a partnership as we possibly can. There is, in reality, very few things that he is able to do or sacrifice during the nine months of gestation, so those conscious efforts to stay on the road with me are essential. Instead of making this a non-choice that only I have to make, he's made it into a positive choice for both of us. We're both not drinking. Not because one of us is pregnant, but because we've decided not to imbibe in alcoholic beverages for a period of 9 months.
Everyone deals with pregnancy in their own way. Some women don't feel the need to involve their partners. Some women either don't have partners to involve or have partners who are just getting dragged along for the ride. I personally think that's a sad and lonely way to go about this journey, but that's just my opinion.
Our long abstinence is almost over and we're glad. There are still some Nazis who claim that alcohol and breastfeeding don't mix, and I'm sure they don't if you plan to get plastered every night. But we plan to enjoy our New Year's eve champagne soon after Stanley's born, maybe right there in the hospital. And we plan to sample the fruit wines that have been aging in the basement, and we plan to savor our first glasses of red and white wines as the sun sets on our early spring evenings.
Abstinence makes the heart grow fonder. I think everyone should try it. You don't even have to get knocked up to do it.
Making it sound like if you accidentally swallow your mouthwash anytime during those tedious nine months, you might as well go to jail for child abuse right now. All hope is lost. Now everyone knows that pregnant women can't drink at all lest their offspring have more than one head, and so the option isn't even there. But they have no compunction about drinking around a pregnant woman. The thought in the back of everyone's head is that, as long as she's not an alcoholic, she couldn't possibly mind, right?
My husband and I love wine. The taste of it with dinner, and the romantic idea of it: a warm glass of red by the fire in winter, a chilled glass of white of a hot summer's evening. We love the idea of wine so much we make wine, lovingly squeezing fruits of their essential juices, adding yeast, and letting nature do what it does best. Our traditional New Year's celebrations include an expensive bottle of champagne, which we consume the whole of (the only time we down an entire bottle of alcohol) all the while describing its properties in admittedly layman's terms to keep for prosperity. Sometimes we even talk about our goals for the New Year.
This year, of course, all that has been curtailed. For both of us.
We were recently at a friend's house for dinner. Bypassing me, the host asked my husband if he wanted a drink of some kind. My husband shook his head. "Alas," he said, "I'm pregnant."
The host looked from me to him incredulously and blurted, "You're both not drinking together??"
Heaven forfend we agree to do something together. Like, say, get pregnant.
To me there is no other way to go about it. You're either both on board or not. There were a number such conditions I laid out before I agreed to go down this road, not the least of which was that if I couldn't drink, my husband couldn't drink. Or put another way: if you drink, I drink, and you wouldn't want to harm your unborn child like that, would you?
But I don't have to threaten my husband to make this journey into as much of a partnership as we possibly can. There is, in reality, very few things that he is able to do or sacrifice during the nine months of gestation, so those conscious efforts to stay on the road with me are essential. Instead of making this a non-choice that only I have to make, he's made it into a positive choice for both of us. We're both not drinking. Not because one of us is pregnant, but because we've decided not to imbibe in alcoholic beverages for a period of 9 months.
Everyone deals with pregnancy in their own way. Some women don't feel the need to involve their partners. Some women either don't have partners to involve or have partners who are just getting dragged along for the ride. I personally think that's a sad and lonely way to go about this journey, but that's just my opinion.
Our long abstinence is almost over and we're glad. There are still some Nazis who claim that alcohol and breastfeeding don't mix, and I'm sure they don't if you plan to get plastered every night. But we plan to enjoy our New Year's eve champagne soon after Stanley's born, maybe right there in the hospital. And we plan to sample the fruit wines that have been aging in the basement, and we plan to savor our first glasses of red and white wines as the sun sets on our early spring evenings.
Abstinence makes the heart grow fonder. I think everyone should try it. You don't even have to get knocked up to do it.
Thursday, March 01, 2007
Small Miracles
As we sat on extremely uncomfortable chairs being forced to watch our 13th or 14th waterbirth on the childbirth educator's favorite DVD (..and who knew there were so many birthing exhibitionists out there?) I sat trying not to fidget and ended up contemplating my navel.
Which, miracle of miracles, is still there.
It might not be much longer. It's gotten much flatter and drawn out in the past few weeks, and Stanley really doesn't have too much more room to grow without taking up that small amount of space which used to be my fairly deep, round, innie belly button. On what used to be my fairly flat, hard stomach. Oh yes, those were the days. They were good times, those days.
I monitor my belly button's progress because I can't really gauge the progress of anything else. The days simply plod on and though we are marching inexorably closer to the fateful day, the bodily changes aren't fantastic enough from one minute to the next to really pinpoint any succession.
Still, we're ending our 34th week here and we've still got our navel. We still don't waddle, we've only had one incident of swelling ankles, and the need to urinate, contrary to popular myth, is really quite manageable. There's been no heartburn to speak of. Sleep is uncomfortable at times but not completely impossible.
Hey, I strung sap tubing a few days ago while slogging through a foot of snow. You can't say the old girl's had it yet. Suffice to say we're hanging in there. The heck with the miracle of life; I'm counting the small miracles now.
Which, miracle of miracles, is still there.
It might not be much longer. It's gotten much flatter and drawn out in the past few weeks, and Stanley really doesn't have too much more room to grow without taking up that small amount of space which used to be my fairly deep, round, innie belly button. On what used to be my fairly flat, hard stomach. Oh yes, those were the days. They were good times, those days.
I monitor my belly button's progress because I can't really gauge the progress of anything else. The days simply plod on and though we are marching inexorably closer to the fateful day, the bodily changes aren't fantastic enough from one minute to the next to really pinpoint any succession.
Still, we're ending our 34th week here and we've still got our navel. We still don't waddle, we've only had one incident of swelling ankles, and the need to urinate, contrary to popular myth, is really quite manageable. There's been no heartburn to speak of. Sleep is uncomfortable at times but not completely impossible.
Hey, I strung sap tubing a few days ago while slogging through a foot of snow. You can't say the old girl's had it yet. Suffice to say we're hanging in there. The heck with the miracle of life; I'm counting the small miracles now.
Thursday, February 22, 2007
All Classed Up
Following the advice of the prenatal coordinator, we signed up for the seven week childbirth education course. Naively, we thought perhaps it would teach us some techniques that would be useful for those few fateful hours during childbirth, as well as perhaps some exercises which might be useful in preparation.
So far, it's been a fairly obvious and at times either gruesome or pornographic anatomy lesson with faded handouts giving us tiresome advice about what we should/could feel like in the first, second, and third trimester, mixed in with some fairly stereotypical or even downright sexist remarks, spread liberally about the gender spectrum (From the firmly debunked "pregnancy brain" comment to my personal favorite: "All guys think alike." Yes, every woman in the class is accompanied by a male partner.)
In short I haven't learned anything I haven't already learned by reading a book, and the rest of the time I've either been grossed out or annoyed. Each class is two hours long, is held on Wednesday's at 6:30, and invariably goes over the time limit, with the result that I leave my house at seven in the morning and don't return until quarter to ten. Aren't pregnant women supposed to get lots of sleep and lots of exercise? Exactly when am I supposed to practice the hastily taught exercises squeezed in at the end of the class? What good was this class supposed to be again?
They say that in the third trimester you begin to get bored with being pregnant, can't wait to get it over with, and that the last month or so before the happy date can seem eternally long. I was already bored with being pregnant 7 months ago, and have been biding my time ever since, but this class is definitely making me want to get the rest of this over with. I'm not sure I can bear another 5 weeks of dreamy-eyed, un-informed nonsense.
I keep going because I keep hoping they'll tell us something useful. You never know, something might slip out.
So far, it's been a fairly obvious and at times either gruesome or pornographic anatomy lesson with faded handouts giving us tiresome advice about what we should/could feel like in the first, second, and third trimester, mixed in with some fairly stereotypical or even downright sexist remarks, spread liberally about the gender spectrum (From the firmly debunked "pregnancy brain" comment to my personal favorite: "All guys think alike." Yes, every woman in the class is accompanied by a male partner.)
In short I haven't learned anything I haven't already learned by reading a book, and the rest of the time I've either been grossed out or annoyed. Each class is two hours long, is held on Wednesday's at 6:30, and invariably goes over the time limit, with the result that I leave my house at seven in the morning and don't return until quarter to ten. Aren't pregnant women supposed to get lots of sleep and lots of exercise? Exactly when am I supposed to practice the hastily taught exercises squeezed in at the end of the class? What good was this class supposed to be again?
They say that in the third trimester you begin to get bored with being pregnant, can't wait to get it over with, and that the last month or so before the happy date can seem eternally long. I was already bored with being pregnant 7 months ago, and have been biding my time ever since, but this class is definitely making me want to get the rest of this over with. I'm not sure I can bear another 5 weeks of dreamy-eyed, un-informed nonsense.
I keep going because I keep hoping they'll tell us something useful. You never know, something might slip out.
Tuesday, February 06, 2007
Buying for Baby
Today I was paid a backhanded compliment by a co-worker who told me that I didn't walk like a pregnant woman.
Thanks, I didn't say, and may I just say that you don't walk like a chicken?
Unlike alot of first time parents we have not yet really gotten into buying things for our newborn. We know, for instance, that Stanley will need some type of surface to sleep on, but we were unprepared for the overwhelming choices of furniture presented to us by this simple need. There's cradles, bassinets and cribs, not to mention pack and plays and play pens. When it comes to cribs you can get a convertible crib which will break down into a daybed later, or if you get really fancy you can eventually convert it into a full double bed (from birth to marriage, is perhaps the point?) For entertainment there are bouncers, swingers and walkers, the practical difference being completely lost on us other than the obvious, that bouncers bounce and swingers swing. Perhaps the most perplexing part for me is the startling variety of outfits with which to clothe your little miracle, for the 48 hours it takes them to grow out of said outfit, anyway. Is this stuff really for the baby, or for the parents?
My ultimate favorite though, is this product. How cruel we've all been lo these millions of years, to use unheated diaper wipes on our children. Imagine the psychological damage wrought on all of us. No wonder society is at such a perilous crossroads. Thank god someone has finally put a stop to the insanity.
Thanks, I didn't say, and may I just say that you don't walk like a chicken?
Unlike alot of first time parents we have not yet really gotten into buying things for our newborn. We know, for instance, that Stanley will need some type of surface to sleep on, but we were unprepared for the overwhelming choices of furniture presented to us by this simple need. There's cradles, bassinets and cribs, not to mention pack and plays and play pens. When it comes to cribs you can get a convertible crib which will break down into a daybed later, or if you get really fancy you can eventually convert it into a full double bed (from birth to marriage, is perhaps the point?) For entertainment there are bouncers, swingers and walkers, the practical difference being completely lost on us other than the obvious, that bouncers bounce and swingers swing. Perhaps the most perplexing part for me is the startling variety of outfits with which to clothe your little miracle, for the 48 hours it takes them to grow out of said outfit, anyway. Is this stuff really for the baby, or for the parents?
My ultimate favorite though, is this product. How cruel we've all been lo these millions of years, to use unheated diaper wipes on our children. Imagine the psychological damage wrought on all of us. No wonder society is at such a perilous crossroads. Thank god someone has finally put a stop to the insanity.
Saturday, January 27, 2007
Kicking the habit (or the mom)
Here we are in the third trimester, the final stage of the pregnancy journey before the Big Moment, when Stanley and I get to meet face to face. So that's what you look like, I'll get to think. Hey! Where'd my world go?? And what's this thing holding me?? Stanley will wonder.
Stanley's definitely getting used to his/her world in there. Stanley's movements have gotten a lot more coordinated, and I'm pretty sure the little devil is using this newfound talent to rock his/her world. Literally. A good sharp kick in the ribs is sure to shock anybody, and when it comes from the inside at unexpected moments, the resulting earthquake must be quite a ride.
I have a small mischevious streak, and my mother claims that I jumped up and down on her bladder on purpose. Mischeviousness may well be genetic, which may account for these sudden, purposeful jabs.
In any case the rumblings and rollings and sudden right-left jabs are getting much more noticeable in an Alien kind of way, so much so that I have to be careful not to lay a full glass on what's left of the flat of my stomach or it may get spilled with one powerful acrobatic twist on Stanley's part. And we're only at the beginning of this final, fun trimester.
Can I claim being battered from the inside as some sort of insidious domestic abuse? Or is this what my mother meant when she said, a gleam in her eye: just you wait? Does all this activity indicate a wild child? Or is Stanley just getting it all out of the way now so s/he'll be a model of angelic sweetness the rest of his/her life?
Only time will tell; we're only ten weeks away. Only ten weeks, a veritable eternity of constant Stanley activity. Oh well. At least we know Stanley's still in there.
Stanley's definitely getting used to his/her world in there. Stanley's movements have gotten a lot more coordinated, and I'm pretty sure the little devil is using this newfound talent to rock his/her world. Literally. A good sharp kick in the ribs is sure to shock anybody, and when it comes from the inside at unexpected moments, the resulting earthquake must be quite a ride.
I have a small mischevious streak, and my mother claims that I jumped up and down on her bladder on purpose. Mischeviousness may well be genetic, which may account for these sudden, purposeful jabs.
In any case the rumblings and rollings and sudden right-left jabs are getting much more noticeable in an Alien kind of way, so much so that I have to be careful not to lay a full glass on what's left of the flat of my stomach or it may get spilled with one powerful acrobatic twist on Stanley's part. And we're only at the beginning of this final, fun trimester.
Can I claim being battered from the inside as some sort of insidious domestic abuse? Or is this what my mother meant when she said, a gleam in her eye: just you wait? Does all this activity indicate a wild child? Or is Stanley just getting it all out of the way now so s/he'll be a model of angelic sweetness the rest of his/her life?
Only time will tell; we're only ten weeks away. Only ten weeks, a veritable eternity of constant Stanley activity. Oh well. At least we know Stanley's still in there.
Sunday, January 14, 2007
Myth versus Reality
For the past two weeks I have been covering for a co-worker, the Network Administrator, while he goes off for a much needed vacation in St. Martins. I've covered for him before, but never for so long a period of time, and never at quite such a critical time; the first two weeks of the New Year. Naturally, I've been quite busy, since I am effectively doing the job of two people.
One (but not all) of the duties of my job is to collect and funnel Help Desk requests to the appropriate people. As the self-imposed first line of defense, I'm supposed to handle the "simple stuff" (are you sure your computer is on?), but often I'm able to funnel some of them off to the Network Administrator, with the excuse that I have other things to do. Being the Help Desk means that I am constantly being interrupted, and that's when we're fully staffed. Being the Help Desk and the Network Administrator pretty much ensures that my entire day is spent putting out fires. Especially when two switches and a tape deck die in rapid succession, the main file server seems to be asleep, people are screaming because a printer isn't printing or their email is on the fritz, not to mention all those calls where people are asking how to save a file in Word.
Clearly, some things will begin to fall through the cracks at this point.
So on Wednesday we had a three hour kick off meeting on a new product venture, which blew everyone's schedules out of whack. At the end of the meeting, no less than five people converged on me, wanting to talk about wildly different subjects and all of which needed to be dealt with asap. Doing my own mental task list, which put these items in a relative order of importance, I accomplished each one in turn, finally getting back to my desk half an hour later to accomplish the last, when my phone rang. It was the woman who had asked for Task #5.
"Sorry," I said, not feeling sorry at all, "I will get to it now."
"Pregnancy will do that to you," she said, a non-sequitor of monumental proportions.
"What?"
"Pregnancy. Makes you forgetful."
"Uh... doing two people's jobs will do that too." I didn't bother to point out that I had just gotten back to my desk and technically that didn't count as "having forgotten."
I made the mistake the next day of actually telling someone I had "forgotten" about their request, whereupon they seized upon the myth again, telling me with glee that when they were pregnant, they forgot everything. The woman in question was asking me to install a printer on her computer, a tediously simple task that she couldn't remember how to do from the last time I showed her, but I kept her chronic apparent memory loss out of the conversation.
Maybe some people do suffer from forgetfulness due to "Pregnancy Brain." Like doing the job of two people, you can only focus your attention on so many tasks at a time. If you are the type to concentrate more on your pregnancy than on the reality going on around you, then yes, you may find that you've forgotten the name of your husband or perhaps the name of the street you live on. But if you're like me, you may find reality much more appealing.
Some people like to quote this study as proof that pregnancy kills off brain cells. The study itself merely shows a corrolation between the last month of pregnancy and six months after and an increase in brain size before the brain returns to normal. Since no study was done to measure brain size throughout the whole pregnancy, it must have taken some doing for people to hypothesize that the increase in brain size during this period must be due to a decrease in brain size the rest of the time, sort of bending the science to fit the legend. Still, that's the popular myth: allowing pregnant women (and apparently the people around them) to blame yet another normal human condition--occasional forgetfulness--on their impending motherhood. These myths are so pervasive that even when faced with the obvious: person doing five tasks at once, forgets one task, the perception is all: pregnant woman forgot one task.
Taking respsonsibilty for one's actions, whether it be emotional outburst due to some inner turmoil or the act of forgetting where you put your keys, is something that we all have a hard time doing in practice. It becomes even harder when popular science encourages you to place the blame for these things on factors you "can't" control, such as "raging hormones". I've never put much stock in the raging hormone theory. I believe in mind over matter. Even if the hormone theories are true, I have no doubt that with a little mental discipline we can all overcome them. I am an intelligent, logical, stable human being, and no popular pregnancy myth is going to make me forget it.
One (but not all) of the duties of my job is to collect and funnel Help Desk requests to the appropriate people. As the self-imposed first line of defense, I'm supposed to handle the "simple stuff" (are you sure your computer is on?), but often I'm able to funnel some of them off to the Network Administrator, with the excuse that I have other things to do. Being the Help Desk means that I am constantly being interrupted, and that's when we're fully staffed. Being the Help Desk and the Network Administrator pretty much ensures that my entire day is spent putting out fires. Especially when two switches and a tape deck die in rapid succession, the main file server seems to be asleep, people are screaming because a printer isn't printing or their email is on the fritz, not to mention all those calls where people are asking how to save a file in Word.
Clearly, some things will begin to fall through the cracks at this point.
So on Wednesday we had a three hour kick off meeting on a new product venture, which blew everyone's schedules out of whack. At the end of the meeting, no less than five people converged on me, wanting to talk about wildly different subjects and all of which needed to be dealt with asap. Doing my own mental task list, which put these items in a relative order of importance, I accomplished each one in turn, finally getting back to my desk half an hour later to accomplish the last, when my phone rang. It was the woman who had asked for Task #5.
"Sorry," I said, not feeling sorry at all, "I will get to it now."
"Pregnancy will do that to you," she said, a non-sequitor of monumental proportions.
"What?"
"Pregnancy. Makes you forgetful."
"Uh... doing two people's jobs will do that too." I didn't bother to point out that I had just gotten back to my desk and technically that didn't count as "having forgotten."
I made the mistake the next day of actually telling someone I had "forgotten" about their request, whereupon they seized upon the myth again, telling me with glee that when they were pregnant, they forgot everything. The woman in question was asking me to install a printer on her computer, a tediously simple task that she couldn't remember how to do from the last time I showed her, but I kept her chronic apparent memory loss out of the conversation.
Maybe some people do suffer from forgetfulness due to "Pregnancy Brain." Like doing the job of two people, you can only focus your attention on so many tasks at a time. If you are the type to concentrate more on your pregnancy than on the reality going on around you, then yes, you may find that you've forgotten the name of your husband or perhaps the name of the street you live on. But if you're like me, you may find reality much more appealing.
Some people like to quote this study as proof that pregnancy kills off brain cells. The study itself merely shows a corrolation between the last month of pregnancy and six months after and an increase in brain size before the brain returns to normal. Since no study was done to measure brain size throughout the whole pregnancy, it must have taken some doing for people to hypothesize that the increase in brain size during this period must be due to a decrease in brain size the rest of the time, sort of bending the science to fit the legend. Still, that's the popular myth: allowing pregnant women (and apparently the people around them) to blame yet another normal human condition--occasional forgetfulness--on their impending motherhood. These myths are so pervasive that even when faced with the obvious: person doing five tasks at once, forgets one task, the perception is all: pregnant woman forgot one task.
Taking respsonsibilty for one's actions, whether it be emotional outburst due to some inner turmoil or the act of forgetting where you put your keys, is something that we all have a hard time doing in practice. It becomes even harder when popular science encourages you to place the blame for these things on factors you "can't" control, such as "raging hormones". I've never put much stock in the raging hormone theory. I believe in mind over matter. Even if the hormone theories are true, I have no doubt that with a little mental discipline we can all overcome them. I am an intelligent, logical, stable human being, and no popular pregnancy myth is going to make me forget it.
Thursday, January 11, 2007
Milestones
I reached another milestone in every pregnant woman's life: the Total Stranger Recognition Moment.
I shouldn't say total stranger; I see this woman two or three times a week when I come by to pick up my lunch. But still she's outside of the realm of corporate informants, and therefore I feel I can count this as the first such encounter, especially since she started it out with, "Congratulations, I didn't realize you were pregnant!"
I took this as a compliment, not because I particularly want strangers to notice the pregnant woman, but because I've apparently been hiding it well, until now, anyway.
I also reached another very important milestone today, the Pregnant Women Should Not Carry Items Perceived To Be Heavy Milestone, items such as, say, computers. In my myriad roles at work I sometimes have need to remove or replace equipment, and, unless I am doing more than one at a time I usually prefer to carry the single item down the stairs. It's mild exercise, to be sure, but it beats sitting at a desk all day. So today I had in my arms a small CPU topped with mouse and keyboard, barely 10 pounds at most, but was stopped by a co-worker who threatened to take it from me. "No, I'm fine," I said, and continued by him, at which point he said, "Well, you're pregnant, you know..."
I stopped and stared at him. "I am???" I said. And then continued on my way.
I shouldn't say total stranger; I see this woman two or three times a week when I come by to pick up my lunch. But still she's outside of the realm of corporate informants, and therefore I feel I can count this as the first such encounter, especially since she started it out with, "Congratulations, I didn't realize you were pregnant!"
I took this as a compliment, not because I particularly want strangers to notice the pregnant woman, but because I've apparently been hiding it well, until now, anyway.
I also reached another very important milestone today, the Pregnant Women Should Not Carry Items Perceived To Be Heavy Milestone, items such as, say, computers. In my myriad roles at work I sometimes have need to remove or replace equipment, and, unless I am doing more than one at a time I usually prefer to carry the single item down the stairs. It's mild exercise, to be sure, but it beats sitting at a desk all day. So today I had in my arms a small CPU topped with mouse and keyboard, barely 10 pounds at most, but was stopped by a co-worker who threatened to take it from me. "No, I'm fine," I said, and continued by him, at which point he said, "Well, you're pregnant, you know..."
I stopped and stared at him. "I am???" I said. And then continued on my way.
Tuesday, January 09, 2007
Sincerity meets the Sarcastic
The highlight of our last appointment--aside from the fact that, when asked to give a urine sample, I nodded distractedly, did my business and flushed the toilet, then belatedly remembered I was supposed to pee in a cup, thereby cheating my benefactors of the 9th or 10th urine sample they believe they need, not to mention the intensly gross, high-sugared drink they forced on me as a way of seeing whether I had gestational diabetes--was the aforementioned prenatal coordinator visit.
The staff is sincere enough, and the woman patiently explained all the classes we might take; "I highly recommend this 7 week course. It's designed for people who are having their first child, or people who've had children without the benefit of childbirth classes."
"Can you imagine," I said to my husband sarcastically, later when we were finally left alone, "People actually manage to give birth without taking a class?"
We were also sent home with tons of promotional material, which the prenatal coordinator carefully pulled out of the packet she had prepared and showed to us, ending the demonstration with a flyer on the kinds of birth control there were available.
"Birth control?" I said, "Now you tell me."
The material itself is well-intentioned, but clearly not intended for people such as myself. A pamphlet labeled "Questions Dads have about breastfeeding" labeled one of the benefits of breastfed babies as "mom will take fewer days off from work due to baby's illness."
"Mom will, eh? What about dad?" I grumbled.
The pinnacle of all the information was a pamphlet on Post-Partum Depression, which helpfully told me to seek the help of a psychotherapist and then, so I could be understood when I called to seek the help of the psychotherapist, told me how to pronounce the profession (sahy-koh-ther-uh-pee).
But clearly I can't take my hard-won sarcastic self out on the gentle souls of the baby profession, so even though I need to fill out a form outlining my pre/during/and post birth choices, I will refrain from answering these specific questions in this way:
Q: (Circle your preferences) Here are some common choices for labor: Wear own gown, tee-shirt Wear hospital gown Lights bright Lights dimmed Birthing ball Other: (write in)
A: I would like to wear my leather maternity bondage ensemble and would like to have the room plunged completely in darkness so I can perform my nightly satanic ritual in peace.
Q: Do you have any preferences for birthing positions?
A: I think that our belief in gravity is over-rated and therefore I would like to be strung feet first from the ceiling. I feel that our obsession with birthing children "down there" is a patriarchal misogynistic anachronism and think women should be able to give birth through any opening they'd like, including their mouths. Mine will be the very first esophagal birth.
Q: How do you plan to feed your baby?
A: Intravenously.
Q: Do you have any special concerns or requests regarding your baby's care while in the hospital?
A: Please don't paint the baby blue.
Q: What are your feelings about circumcision?
A: I think circumcision is great. In fact, why stop there? Eunuchs have made great contributions to history, and it's time to bring them back.
Q: How long do you plan to stay in the hospital after the birth?
A: Oh, three months to a year, maybe more. Please forward my mail.
Q: We offer home visits. How do you feel about this?
A: I have a gun. How do you feel about that?
The staff is sincere enough, and the woman patiently explained all the classes we might take; "I highly recommend this 7 week course. It's designed for people who are having their first child, or people who've had children without the benefit of childbirth classes."
"Can you imagine," I said to my husband sarcastically, later when we were finally left alone, "People actually manage to give birth without taking a class?"
We were also sent home with tons of promotional material, which the prenatal coordinator carefully pulled out of the packet she had prepared and showed to us, ending the demonstration with a flyer on the kinds of birth control there were available.
"Birth control?" I said, "Now you tell me."
The material itself is well-intentioned, but clearly not intended for people such as myself. A pamphlet labeled "Questions Dads have about breastfeeding" labeled one of the benefits of breastfed babies as "mom will take fewer days off from work due to baby's illness."
"Mom will, eh? What about dad?" I grumbled.
The pinnacle of all the information was a pamphlet on Post-Partum Depression, which helpfully told me to seek the help of a psychotherapist and then, so I could be understood when I called to seek the help of the psychotherapist, told me how to pronounce the profession (sahy-koh-ther-uh-pee).
But clearly I can't take my hard-won sarcastic self out on the gentle souls of the baby profession, so even though I need to fill out a form outlining my pre/during/and post birth choices, I will refrain from answering these specific questions in this way:
Q: (Circle your preferences) Here are some common choices for labor: Wear own gown, tee-shirt Wear hospital gown Lights bright Lights dimmed Birthing ball Other: (write in)
A: I would like to wear my leather maternity bondage ensemble and would like to have the room plunged completely in darkness so I can perform my nightly satanic ritual in peace.
Q: Do you have any preferences for birthing positions?
A: I think that our belief in gravity is over-rated and therefore I would like to be strung feet first from the ceiling. I feel that our obsession with birthing children "down there" is a patriarchal misogynistic anachronism and think women should be able to give birth through any opening they'd like, including their mouths. Mine will be the very first esophagal birth.
Q: How do you plan to feed your baby?
A: Intravenously.
Q: Do you have any special concerns or requests regarding your baby's care while in the hospital?
A: Please don't paint the baby blue.
Q: What are your feelings about circumcision?
A: I think circumcision is great. In fact, why stop there? Eunuchs have made great contributions to history, and it's time to bring them back.
Q: How long do you plan to stay in the hospital after the birth?
A: Oh, three months to a year, maybe more. Please forward my mail.
Q: We offer home visits. How do you feel about this?
A: I have a gun. How do you feel about that?
Saturday, December 30, 2006
Toeing the Gender Line
I had just helped a coworker find her online email so that she could find an order which was placed before Christmas and never arrived (not exactly a work-related question) and was about to leave my office to check up on some real work that was going on, when she asked me: "So, do you know what you're having?"
"Yes," I replied, with a smile, "We're having a baby."
When I came back into the office a little later, my male office mate, who has been present at many of these inane conversations, was still laughing.
When I ask people why they need to know the gender of my impending child, they tell me it is because it makes it much easier to buy something for the kid. Even after several explanations, I fail to understand why. A stuffed teddy bear is a stuffed teddy bear. A bottle is a bottle. As for clothes, I myself do not recall what I was wearing much before the age of two, and at the age of two I recall being so uninterested in the idea of wearing clothes that I spent most of my time trying to get out of them. (This was the era of Super Me, who leaped over tall leggos in nothing but a towel tied around the neck. Super Me could get out of her street clothes and into her superhero costume in 5 seconds flat.)
One person tried to entice the gender out of me by painting a tantalizing story of a woman who, by virtue of knowing the gender of her child, was able to decorate the nursery in an "airplane" theme, with the logo of an airline stenciled on the wall, and elements of flying scattered about the room. I will leave it to the gentle reader to determine which gender was entitled to this sort of design concept, but my immediate thought was: a bedroom full of airplanes! I would have loved that!!
At some point we will no longer be able to keep Stanley's gender a secret (although, I suppose if we named him/her Pat and dressed him/her in yellow all the time, the secret could be prolonged for an indefinite period of time), and at that point I can imagine gender related presents being steered towards Stanley's perceived best interests; train pajamas if Stanley is a boy, Cinderella pajamas if Stanley is a girl. But I hope Stanley can determine his/her own interests without outside interference. If Stanley my son wants to be a ballerina when he grows up, then ballerina he shall play. If Stanley my daughter wants to be a car mechanic when she's older, I'll get her to change the oil on my car. If Stanley my child wants to be things which fall within the artificial gender divide, that's okay too.
Don't know what to buy for Stanley before Stanley meets the world? Buy Stanley something you'd have liked as a baby. Stanley will like these things too. Stanley will like everything that goes on-- it'll be so much more interesting than where s/he is now.
"Yes," I replied, with a smile, "We're having a baby."
When I came back into the office a little later, my male office mate, who has been present at many of these inane conversations, was still laughing.
When I ask people why they need to know the gender of my impending child, they tell me it is because it makes it much easier to buy something for the kid. Even after several explanations, I fail to understand why. A stuffed teddy bear is a stuffed teddy bear. A bottle is a bottle. As for clothes, I myself do not recall what I was wearing much before the age of two, and at the age of two I recall being so uninterested in the idea of wearing clothes that I spent most of my time trying to get out of them. (This was the era of Super Me, who leaped over tall leggos in nothing but a towel tied around the neck. Super Me could get out of her street clothes and into her superhero costume in 5 seconds flat.)
One person tried to entice the gender out of me by painting a tantalizing story of a woman who, by virtue of knowing the gender of her child, was able to decorate the nursery in an "airplane" theme, with the logo of an airline stenciled on the wall, and elements of flying scattered about the room. I will leave it to the gentle reader to determine which gender was entitled to this sort of design concept, but my immediate thought was: a bedroom full of airplanes! I would have loved that!!
At some point we will no longer be able to keep Stanley's gender a secret (although, I suppose if we named him/her Pat and dressed him/her in yellow all the time, the secret could be prolonged for an indefinite period of time), and at that point I can imagine gender related presents being steered towards Stanley's perceived best interests; train pajamas if Stanley is a boy, Cinderella pajamas if Stanley is a girl. But I hope Stanley can determine his/her own interests without outside interference. If Stanley my son wants to be a ballerina when he grows up, then ballerina he shall play. If Stanley my daughter wants to be a car mechanic when she's older, I'll get her to change the oil on my car. If Stanley my child wants to be things which fall within the artificial gender divide, that's okay too.
Don't know what to buy for Stanley before Stanley meets the world? Buy Stanley something you'd have liked as a baby. Stanley will like these things too. Stanley will like everything that goes on-- it'll be so much more interesting than where s/he is now.
Tuesday, December 26, 2006
Cleave Land
I was, after all, prepared to gain amusingly large amounts of weight. I was prepared to suddenly be unable to see my toes, and to look in the mirror in profile and wonder whose soccer ball I had accidentally swallowed. I was prepared for a lot of things, even, in a vague way, larger breasts; but I was not prepared for cleavage.
I've always been happily small breasted, meaning that not only was I small in the chest, but I was proud of this fact. Breasts are nice in that they define the female body, but large ones make one look top heavy and ditzy, and furthermore are like overlong hair; in the way of almost every thing. I've always liked the size mine got to be. Enough to prove to everyone that I am female. But not big enough to need major structural support 24-7.
Until now. I've outgrown almost all of my upper body underwear. My shirts are straining not only at the belly but at the chest as well. And yesterday I happened to look down at myself wearing a fairly low-cut shirt and noticed for the first time that I have grown cleavage.
"Holy Shit!" I yelled out. "Shit! Shit!" This was enough cursing for my husband to come running into the bedroom, where I was staring at myself in the mirror.
"What's wrong?" he asked, concerned.
"I have....cleavage," I gasped, holding the last word out like a dirty diaper. My husband's concerned look collapsed into a relieved smile.
"It's okay," he said, "It's only temporary."
Any man who can confidently reassure his wife that her cleavage is temporary is definitely someone worth keeping. God, I love this man.
I've always been happily small breasted, meaning that not only was I small in the chest, but I was proud of this fact. Breasts are nice in that they define the female body, but large ones make one look top heavy and ditzy, and furthermore are like overlong hair; in the way of almost every thing. I've always liked the size mine got to be. Enough to prove to everyone that I am female. But not big enough to need major structural support 24-7.
Until now. I've outgrown almost all of my upper body underwear. My shirts are straining not only at the belly but at the chest as well. And yesterday I happened to look down at myself wearing a fairly low-cut shirt and noticed for the first time that I have grown cleavage.
"Holy Shit!" I yelled out. "Shit! Shit!" This was enough cursing for my husband to come running into the bedroom, where I was staring at myself in the mirror.
"What's wrong?" he asked, concerned.
"I have....cleavage," I gasped, holding the last word out like a dirty diaper. My husband's concerned look collapsed into a relieved smile.
"It's okay," he said, "It's only temporary."
Any man who can confidently reassure his wife that her cleavage is temporary is definitely someone worth keeping. God, I love this man.
Friday, December 15, 2006
Stereotypes and Kilroy
A coworker asked me, with a downright gleam in her eye, whether I was "finally" getting tired.
"No," I said. I have been having some trouble sleeping but I'm not going to divulge these personal details just to satisfy that hungry gleam. In any event, all in all I feel just as perky as I always have, restless even, now that I've been grounded from certain activities such as racquetball or soccer. The gleam disappeared and the woman actually said, "dang."
This hunger of my fellow female acquaintances to share in what they feel should be my discomfort is disconcerting. A woman who works downstairs and fancies herself in charge of parking took it upon herself to insist to the new HR person that one parking space is "always" reserved for people who are pregnant. "The last girl who was pregnant," she told the straight faced HR woman, "was so huge she could barely get out of her car." The HR person couldn't help smiling as she offered me the space; she knew I would turn it down. If I didn't play the Disability Card when I was one leg short of a working pair after ACL surgery while still in college, hobbling around like a madwoman from class to class across a 135-acre campus, there's no way I am going to play it when I have two perfectly good legs and a sudden aching desire to play tackle football. Talk about weird cravings.
I did however have the common experience recently of dreaming that we had the kid. Stanley was fine, although pretty old to be a newborn, and the main thrust of the dream was that I had completely blanked out the whole process of giving birth, which, on the one hand, was just fine with me, but on the other hand was disturbing, because apparently I had been awake and aware during the process and Stanley somehow ended up with the name Kilroy. "Kilroy?" I kept asking my husband, "Why Kilroy?" "I don't know," he replied in the dream, "You kept insisting that it had to be Kilroy, so that's what I did."
Stanley Kilroy Hilarius. At least the name is anything but stereotypical.
"No," I said. I have been having some trouble sleeping but I'm not going to divulge these personal details just to satisfy that hungry gleam. In any event, all in all I feel just as perky as I always have, restless even, now that I've been grounded from certain activities such as racquetball or soccer. The gleam disappeared and the woman actually said, "dang."
This hunger of my fellow female acquaintances to share in what they feel should be my discomfort is disconcerting. A woman who works downstairs and fancies herself in charge of parking took it upon herself to insist to the new HR person that one parking space is "always" reserved for people who are pregnant. "The last girl who was pregnant," she told the straight faced HR woman, "was so huge she could barely get out of her car." The HR person couldn't help smiling as she offered me the space; she knew I would turn it down. If I didn't play the Disability Card when I was one leg short of a working pair after ACL surgery while still in college, hobbling around like a madwoman from class to class across a 135-acre campus, there's no way I am going to play it when I have two perfectly good legs and a sudden aching desire to play tackle football. Talk about weird cravings.
I did however have the common experience recently of dreaming that we had the kid. Stanley was fine, although pretty old to be a newborn, and the main thrust of the dream was that I had completely blanked out the whole process of giving birth, which, on the one hand, was just fine with me, but on the other hand was disturbing, because apparently I had been awake and aware during the process and Stanley somehow ended up with the name Kilroy. "Kilroy?" I kept asking my husband, "Why Kilroy?" "I don't know," he replied in the dream, "You kept insisting that it had to be Kilroy, so that's what I did."
Stanley Kilroy Hilarius. At least the name is anything but stereotypical.
Thursday, December 07, 2006
Limited Time Offer! Get Your Doula Now!
Our last prenatal appointment, which was ostensibly to check my weight, blood pressure, urine, and make sure that Stanley is still in there, was supposed to last 15 minutes. But the woman who came in to greet us was a midwife, and she was clearly drugged to the teeth with thoughts of Baby. "Glorious!" was one of the first things she said, outside of introducing herself to me and to my husband (the first time he has actually been acknowledged without prompting--admittedly a point in her favor). The dialogue went downhill from there.
"Fantastic!"
"Isn't it wondrous?"
"Oh joy!" were all interjected into the conversation, which she carried on mostly by herself, needing only small amounts of prompting ("No problems, just a small problem sleeping, but I hear that's norm-") to tell me all about breathing techniques and homeopathy and how badly she slept when she was pregnant and whatever else came to mind before she ran out of air and had to breathe in more. Both my husband and I were now late for work, and so I tried to shorten my answers to monosyllabic yeses and nos, until finally, 45 minutes later, we were let go.
Please god, shoot me now.
That was a few days ago. Since then it's been mostly quiet on the baby front, to my infinite relief, but today a woman sauntered into my office on another pretense and asked that tired old question: When are you due? Distracted, I told her, which she used as an opening to introduce herself as a doula, and did I know about the doula program and here was all this information about doulas, and she would be happy to answer any questions I had about the doula program-
Please, please go away now.
But wait! There's more to giving birth than just midwives and doulas, not to mention registered nurses, doctors and... oh yeah, the woman actually giving birth... in case you were worried if you were going to be able to keep it all straight in your mind, we've introduced...
wait for it...
wait for it....
the prenatal coordinator.
We get to see the prenatal coordinator next month, where she will most likely ask us if we've given any thought to a birth plan.
Yes, I expect I'll say. I plan to give birth.
"Fantastic!"
"Isn't it wondrous?"
"Oh joy!" were all interjected into the conversation, which she carried on mostly by herself, needing only small amounts of prompting ("No problems, just a small problem sleeping, but I hear that's norm-") to tell me all about breathing techniques and homeopathy and how badly she slept when she was pregnant and whatever else came to mind before she ran out of air and had to breathe in more. Both my husband and I were now late for work, and so I tried to shorten my answers to monosyllabic yeses and nos, until finally, 45 minutes later, we were let go.
Please god, shoot me now.
That was a few days ago. Since then it's been mostly quiet on the baby front, to my infinite relief, but today a woman sauntered into my office on another pretense and asked that tired old question: When are you due? Distracted, I told her, which she used as an opening to introduce herself as a doula, and did I know about the doula program and here was all this information about doulas, and she would be happy to answer any questions I had about the doula program-
Please, please go away now.
But wait! There's more to giving birth than just midwives and doulas, not to mention registered nurses, doctors and... oh yeah, the woman actually giving birth... in case you were worried if you were going to be able to keep it all straight in your mind, we've introduced...
wait for it...
wait for it....
the prenatal coordinator.
We get to see the prenatal coordinator next month, where she will most likely ask us if we've given any thought to a birth plan.
Yes, I expect I'll say. I plan to give birth.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)